He smiles and whispers in my ear, "I love you". I wonder... did he really mean that? He is so beautiful, that it scares me.
"Will you ever leave me and go away", I asked, scared… I didn't want to lose him.
He smiles at me, "Darling, why would I ever do that?"
I had my answer.
The intimate moment over, we sat on the bed, me edged on one side, he on the other. The darkness of the room is soothing, our silence stifling.
Even in the darkness I could feel his beauty, he was so breathtaking, so mysterious.
And he was all mine- or so I thought.
I sat and wondered... where was all the laughter, the naughty smiles, the twinkle in his eyes, all the joy we had shared? Now we behave like two people who didn't know each other anymore…only the usual, "I love you" accompanied with a meek smile which didn't really mean anything.
He got busy with his work and I got busy with mine. The love just was not there anymore.
He decided to leave, said he had to leave for work earlier than the usual timing tomorrow; I didn't try to stop him, because it wasn't in me to do so anymore.
He got dressed quickly, he seemed in a hurry, all I did I was watch him as I slowly dressed
"Goodbye", he murmured, but loud enough for me to hear and left without waiting for my response.
I walked up to the window to catch a glimpse of him, I saw him get into his car. He raced down the road leaving me behind with an uneasy feeling deep inside my heart. With nothing left to do, I decided to slip back under the bedcovers into slumberous oblivion.
I had my answer.
The intimate moment over, we sat on the bed, me edged on one side, he on the other. The darkness of the room is soothing, our silence stifling.
Even in the darkness I could feel his beauty, he was so breathtaking, so mysterious.
And he was all mine- or so I thought.
I sat and wondered... where was all the laughter, the naughty smiles, the twinkle in his eyes, all the joy we had shared? Now we behave like two people who didn't know each other anymore…only the usual, "I love you" accompanied with a meek smile which didn't really mean anything.
He got busy with his work and I got busy with mine. The love just was not there anymore.
He decided to leave, said he had to leave for work earlier than the usual timing tomorrow; I didn't try to stop him, because it wasn't in me to do so anymore.
He got dressed quickly, he seemed in a hurry, all I did I was watch him as I slowly dressed
"Goodbye", he murmured, but loud enough for me to hear and left without waiting for my response.
I walked up to the window to catch a glimpse of him, I saw him get into his car. He raced down the road leaving me behind with an uneasy feeling deep inside my heart. With nothing left to do, I decided to slip back under the bedcovers into slumberous oblivion.
I woke up the next day to the news of a man killed in an accident.
I didn't have to be told who it was-I ran to the place where it happened- it was covered with blood-his blood.
Its been months since that fateful day and now as I stand in front of his grave, I think of our last conversation-my doubt, his reassurance.
I didn't have to be told who it was-I ran to the place where it happened- it was covered with blood-his blood.
Its been months since that fateful day and now as I stand in front of his grave, I think of our last conversation-my doubt, his reassurance.
But now he really is- gone- and left me alone.
posted by Iris | 9/17/2007 10:11:00 AM
12 Comments:
I already told you I like it. Hm- I'm sorry the blogger template didn't work out for you. Looking forward to more posts. AND to comments on my blog from you.
Cheerio!
I, on the other hand, completely disagree. But I shall not be mean, so try harder next time.
to Ate-Thank u :)
To The Corpse-May i know why?
Hi Iris.
It is a good story, however presentation is relatively weak. You could have put more emotions with words.
But hey don't mind me because I am also having bad reviews these days. [:D]
Looking forward to more posts from you. :)
Okay.
"
He smiles and whispers in my ear, "I love you". I wonder... did he really mean that? He is so beautiful, that it scares me.
"Will you ever leave me and go away", I asked, scared… I didn't want to lose him.
He smiles at me, "Darling, why would I ever do that?"
I had my answer.
The intimate moment over, we sat on the bed, me edged on one side, he on the other. The darkness of the room is soothing, our silence stifling.
Even in the darkness I could feel his beauty, he was so breathtaking, so mysterious.
And he was all mine- or so I thought.
"
At best, this sounds as if you're hamming. You use too many words to convey cliched emotions, which make one feel like puking. At worse, Ekta Kapoor's scriptwriter has done this one for you.
"He decided to leave, said he had to leave for work earlier than the usual timing tomorrow; I didn't try to stop him, because it wasn't in me to do so anymore."
An example of how tedious your sentences are. Try simplifying them.
Try " He decided to leave, and I didn't stop him. I knew I couldn't." See the difference?
And the ending is rather expected and, hence, boring.
Examples of two really bad sentences
"Its been months since that fateful day and now as I stand in front of his grave, I think of our last conversation-my doubt, his reassurance.
But now he really is- gone- and left me alone."
Try harder.
Sorry, that should be " At worst"
To Dyaus-Thank you,i will try better:)
To the copse-Im sure Ekta Kapoor is better than me :P
mui grande.......very great........its got substance
to nilofer-gracias :)
hmm.... good try..... could do wonders if u could bring out a sense of conciousness into the character... its like she's in a trance or sumtn.... or is it supposed to be that way??? lolz ;) anyway the piece is good but lacks depth of emotion... try harder...
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